Dear Ocean State Job Lot: Keep your clutter

Dear Job Lot:

I don’t want to see you anymore.  This time I really mean it.  Last week was the last straw.  I wanted a spare set of sheets and you were close by. You are always there, waiting for my next lapse in judgement.  I ignored that still, small voice that told me don’t do it.   I wanted to give you another chance. There was one set of queen sheets and they were cheap, of course. You always are.  I made sure they were 300 thread count and I was  pleasantly surprised that they were.  This was more than I’d expected from You, given our history.

When I got home,  I washed the sheets and attempted to put them on my bed. They didn’t fit.  I did not even come close to getting the bottom sheet on the mattress.  Those sheets were a lie. So I went back to return them, and for the last time.  I am through with you. And no, I’m not just walking away quietly, either.  I’m annoyed enough with you to put my feelings on the internet. Clearly.

There’s a chance I would’ve gotten over the useless sheets if it weren’t for all your other flaws.  Like the empty bottle of nail polish, or the sunscreen that left me burned.  There’s a reason my husband nicknamed you The Land of Not Quite Right.  I should’ve been through with You after the chafing pans did not  quite fit into their holders, or certainly after the flour product I bought from You set off the only case of kitchen moths I’d ever had. And how about the yoga mat that reeked of chemicals?

But no, I went back for more.  Like the rug I wanted that was so inaccessible.   I knocked myself so hard in the ribs getting it out of Your metal holder that I had to sit down to catch my breath. Okay, maybe that one is not your fault. I could have asked for help.  I could have searched for a step ladder.  But I’m venting right now, so it’s all You.

A good price is worthless if the damn stuff doesn’t work.  You don’t tempt me anymore, not even a little.  Oh I know You have your cheap holiday stuff out now, rows and rows of it.  I know I might pay more elsewhere for some of your paper products or dish soap.  But I don’t care. I’m just not giving You any more chances.  Keep your clutter.  All of it.  I’m moving on for good.

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